Lonely Hearts

Well, well, well. If the Daily Nation is right that 9 out of 10 Kenyans who read newspapers read the Daily Nation, then you must have seen this advert. Unless you are the 1 out of 10.

So we dig into the advert right away!

Illusions for my femaleness and time? Wait. Is that the new way to say ‘I am ugly and old?’ Because trust me, I like a woman who says she has an ‘unfortunate face’ or who says she is looking for ‘a man who will like a woman with a great face for radio.’

Whilst you are at it lady, why refer to yourself as single? Say it like another application form I saw recently. When asked what her marital status was, the lady just filled in: Unclaimed Treasure.

I love euphemisms. Like when a friend of mine lost her father recently, she said: My father has handed back his ID.

Sorry, I digress. A man whose vision is expansive enough to contain and even synthesise what to others would be contradictions? Excuse me? Is this another euphemism for ‘a delusional man?’ Come on. Do you mean a man who will find you in bed with another man and say: Oh, I see you are warming up Faith. You are just like your name. Faithful.

Now, I can understand the PhD bit? Please have Dick. But is there a philosophical reason for human or applied sciences? Veterinary doctors are disqualified since they just deal with non-human sciences. And those men who think applied sciences is the equivalent of telling a woman, ‘I can apply my Biology on you’, whilst scratching their crotch are also shut out. Then she clarifies she wouldn’t mind a lawyer. I get it. It is that contradictions, thing, right?

Then the clincher. Preferably from ODM political regions. I like the way she thinks. You may be thinking that this is a sweet heart you can pull those pick up lines of: I am PNU, you are ODM, how about our bodies form a grand coalition.

Nope! She chooses the political regions. What a politician! Or is it?

You see, guys from Runda and Kileleshwa are in Westlands which is represented by an ODM Member of Parliament. Guys from Karen are in Lang’ata which is represented by an ODM Member of Parliament. Guys who live in the CBD (and I am thinking Grand Regency hotel) are in Starehe which is represented by an ODM Member of Parliament. So that rules out guys from Mukuru Kwa Reuben (Embakasi – which loses out because you just replaced an ODM man with some PNU man); and also guys from Riruta Satellite (Dagoretti); Jogoo Road estates (Makadara). It is even worse for men from Kamukunji which has no MP.

I had no idea dating was this complicated, philosophical and political.