Friday, April 25, 2008

Tender Loving Care

If you read the newspaper, you would have seen this Tender.

Well, well, well.

The Kenyan Military really knows how to outdo themselves.

The one that caught everyone’s eyes is the Supply of Complete Housewives.

Or you can supply Camouflage Materials. You know the ones that you take nothing there and they ask you, where are the materials? And you say: ‘You can’t see them? Well, they are really camouflaged!’ And you get paid for delivering materials that they didn’t even see!

Or you can Supply Bags that are asleep. Reminds me of the time our Primary School teacher would say words like ‘Walking Stick’ and we think he means a stick that walks! Anyways, better let sleeping bags lie.

For those fashionistas, this is it: Supply of High Ankle Boots. OK, OK. Same thing as Boots High Ankle. The Fashion Military Police would surely not arrest you as you will spur an increase of female cadets.

You can choose to supply meat on bone. Now, first let me dispel the rumour. If you think you can take some men and point at their trouser fly and say: Here is some meat on bone (hint, hint), they have clarified and said it is beef.

So that is why they ask people to open their mouths during the recruitment interviews. Then you are told: These teeth cannot chew bones! They then replicate the scene in the Officer's Mess. ‘Hey Afande, hii nyama haina mfupa! Rudisha uweke mfupa’.

No, I think the Armed Forces is really going to the dogs. Or at least the bones are!

But, man shall not live on bones alone. There has to be bread. Question is, must the bread supplied be unsliced? Or is slicing bread one of the military drills? Afande, slice this bread without using a knife!

Maybe I just have a fertile imagination. But that won't help if you wish to supply chicken eggs. They have to be unfertilized. Note: the tender does not say that the Bed Sheets supplied have to be clean! Why would you need clean bed sheets if you are being supplied with complete house wives! The eggs though: unfertilized.

Unfertilized eggs are just a hen's way of menstrual cycle.

But shock on you is that they didn't specify and add that the eggs should be laid by white hens. Or noting the fad with Kenyans: imported eggs. It amuses me the way you go to the supermarket and a Kenyan is checking out the mileage of an egg.

Supply of Fresh Vegetables, Fruits and Potatoes brings to fore the age old question. Is a potato a fruit or a vegetable or neither? You would imagine it is a tuberous vegetable but the wise Military Nutritionists must have figured out in a way that is otherwise.

No. This Military Nutritionists are actually incredible, with emphasis on the last six letters of the word INCRedible. They have advised them to get cap forage. Forage is the plant material mainly plant leaves and stems eaten by grazing animals. So it makes sense for the Military to be assigned to Mount Elgon and go there with edible caps!

And those human rights activists who have been accusing Government of deploying the military in Mount Elgon to flush out the Sabaot Land Defence Force as a fire fighting exercise, then those claims just got credible! The Military requires supply of more fire fighting equipment. Gives a whole new meaning to the word 'FIGHTING' when used in reference to the Military.

So there you have it.

The Tender closes soon so you better get working on it. Just don't supply the complete series of Desperate Housewives, Season 3.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Idols East Africa

Well well well, to prove that an idol mind is the Devil's Workshop, Kenyans thronged to the Kenyatta International Conference Centre and tried their best (or worst, in most cases) to show case their talent (or lack of it).

This picture post brings you the images that put smiles on Kenyan watchers of the idiot box and made April the funniest month in the year (cabinet naming coming a close second)!

The rendition of 'Try It On My Own' brought the Conference down. She should have been afraid to really try this one on her own.

Lebo wasn't impressed. But the show must go on.

David begged but was shown the door

Behind every could, there is a sylvia lining, not!

Linda wanted you... and you... and you

She left on the upswing

Bob looked out of place

Baker wanted to show off his dental formula

Bertina's voice let her down

Ken was complimented on his style but... nothing else

Katung's voice was designed for this competition

And this is Akorino Idols...

Amazing Grace? No. Amazing Maureen.

Irene boasted she had the beauty...

She had a beautiful voice

Gail got up and stoop up for his rights. Oh so wrong!

Yup! Yup! Yup!

Zaddock didn't even get 15 seconds of shame

Joel James? That is like Jeff Anthony?

Magero just wasn't being felt...

Just why wear Delilah's clothes and wig?

Kevin noticed Angie smiling for the cameras

Or was she smiling for the money?

Clearly this is how you change the world!!!

Now you see my eyes...

Now you don't!

New York Minute!

Cilla made the cut

Tutuma did not

Doris breezed through.

That was it for the edited version. But I could not resist bringing the uncut version pics.

And some advice for those who wish to make the cut next time.

Show some nipples...

And keep smiling.

Show some ATT

Show some hair...

Show some...

... ass

Show some smile

Show your memory size

Play your guitar

And sing beautifully...

End of Lesson

Moving on...

No comment

Is she an Air Hostess?

Isn't she my son's teacher?

Is she singing 'Kwaheri' by Jua Cali?

Is she looking for the exit?

If shoes could sing...

... she would have gone through

Shoes or no shoes, he went through

Good pose

Good top

Good hat

Good try

Very likeable

Very happy

Mbili Mbili Kama Kawaida...

Please Forgive Me...


And more style

And less style, Stevie Wonder!

My top matches the background!

On no...

OH NO!!!

Oh oh

Much better

If your hat is not in it...

... let your soul be in it!

We wrap it up with our national anthem. Altogether now:
Eh Mungu Nguvu Yetu
Ilete Idols kwetu
Haki tulicheka sana...