Wednesday, September 3, 2008

When Sunday Comes

After one eventful week with Housemates getting acquainted, the highlight of it all was another cold Sunday evening when Housemates were asked to perform an activity that told the viewers something about themselves. Some activities they did. Before that, a recap.

Housemates had been reprimanded by Big Brother following the truthfully daring game that had been engaged in three days into the show, with more saliva exchange than The Young and the Reckless. Spoilsport Biggie seems intent to dish out punishment faster than a policeman giving speeding tickets at Formula 1. Reprimanded for entertaining us? Oh.

But TK was kissed by Lucille and he smiled happily like a dog with two tails; Girl Latoya was aghast when her ‘girls’ were nibbled; Hazel found lip locking with Sheila too revulsive and rather took the dip; Ricco perfected his clothes allergy like a homeless person in Puerto Rico; and Biggie kept showing us the clock more as a reminder that it was past bed time.

Come Sunday, the Housemates showed us their true colours with Tawana kicking it off with some traditional jig which would sure do some culling for that cellulite.

Having discarded Sheila’s dress, Ricco, immediately came up cross-dressed this time as Mimi. He was supposedly imitating Beyonce, but there was no Jay Z to hit on him due to the rumours that his mouth, sort of reeks. Reek Oh!

Thami did not sing or dance or read a book. Instead, he just consumed a lot of pepper and guzzled some palm wine. I know, I know. He must be thinking he is the new Chili Palmer.

Mimi on the other hand decides that she can break the law and plead some diplomatic immunity. Ms Ambazzadah murders a Whitney song and in mitigation simply talks about the children. It is always the children. Her punishment? Coming up next.

La Toya has been behaving like a dual SIM card in a cellphone with the two phones being Morris and Ricco. Morris by day and Ricco by night, she had decided. Technically, one of the guys is getting to be with her at peak hours. So with the inevitable drama that will arise, it was time for her to kiss and make up. So she kissed Morris during the DJ treat and for the make up, well, she applies it on Mimi.

TK uses up his time to ‘rap’ once again, doing just his best to advertise for the ear buds market across the continent. It is a pity that nobody has told him that this wasn’t about what you want to do when you grow up. And down, judging from his Shower Hour slots.

Sheila… oh Sheila. She has ‘Spoiler Alert’ written all over her conversations. If you haven’t been watching movies, mute the remote when she is on for she will give away the plot line. Next she will also be doing the movie stunts too. She sang an R & B song. Raspy and Boring.

Lucille says she is a virgin. Well, when she learnt that Tawana was the Head of House and liked Munya who liked her (Lucille), she said in all virginal innocence: I am so fucked. She however wasn’t and instead she just read a passage from a book. Oh, and just so we are clear, the book wasn’t ‘How To Pop The Cherry!’

Hazel from Malawi decided to mouth some traditional song forgetting that after the Idols experience, the words ‘song’ and ‘Malawi’ don’t go together. She also does a jig that is so ancient that it went straight to the Big Brother Museum.

Nigeria is known for football… which is played on green pitches with white markings. Flag that one! So anyways, Uti who is Nigerian decides to go Italian by singing a tenor number. The name is Lutiano Pavaruti, eh?

Morris, whose manhood has been christened ‘the Last King of Scotland’ by some feminine viewers, comes on stage wearing some hideous Zangalewa outfit and tries to accentuate the manhood theme with some cucumber upfront and inexplicable plastic surgery on his bum. Surely, only La Toya would love that performance and make up.

Munya is in his element when he is with Lucille. He even opens up her heart like he is peeling a banana. He still has that irritating accent and believes that he is funnier than Jon Stewart wearing a monkey costume. I hate the performance.

That was it for the Sunday show. In the backdrop of Barrack Obama’s speech at the Convention when some people said he had a backdrop that was Zeus-like, Mr. KB brings on stage Zeus as the performance of the night.

He also discloses that some two new moles will be going into the house to clean the pool on Fridays. Yes, that is another episode being baked by Biggie. And when you look at the ingredients, you have to wonder what would come next. There are always the nominations. And as we all know, friends don’t nominate each other… unless they have to. See you again!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008


Oh the joys of walking on a Nairobi Street!

I was just minding my own business, looking at the numerous magazine covers when some girl with red-lacquered nails taps me on the shoulder. I slowly turned in trepidation, hoping it wasn’t one of my long standing debtors, hoping she could somehow get back her taken heart. Or even worse, a thought crossed my mind that Kimathi Street could be the new Koinange Street. (How odd that the spell checker suggests Coinage Street, when they absolutely don’t accept coins!)

To my pleasant surprise though, it was an amazingly and decently dressed looker of a woman tapping my shoulder. I couldn’t resist conjuring a smile which was cut mid-smile when she excitedly spoke the next few words.

“Are you the Zain man?” she asked.

“The what?!?!?”

“The Zain man?” she persisted.

“The Zain man! What the heavens is that?”

I know Zain Verjee who is classy and is an anchor-woman for CNN. But surely I don't speak for her! I also know that the Republicans are about to nominate John McZain (No, that can't be it. He is more like John McSame!)

Turns out, there is a promotion by a rather (tele) phoney network Zain to popularize its newly baptized name. This at the moment when we had gotten used to not calling it TNFKAK (The Network Formerly Known As Kencell) and settled for Celtel, it is now Zain. And teaming up with Classic FM, they are setting people to look for this mystery man who dishes out cash if you ask him whether he is the Classic Zain Man and he says yes. Oh, and he also has Maina Kageni’s Identity Card which he needs to also show you, since as you know, many men will just say ‘Yes’ to a woman when looking at her chest. If you are not in a pick-up mood, you have to go and get a t-shirt written ‘I am not the Classic Zain Man!’

I hope the girl found her Classic Zain man. But these advertising ruses are going a tad too far.

I have seen men carrying placards written ‘My Wife Is A Gold Digger’ because the cooking fat product KIMBO had some gold bars hidden in the fat and they were asking people to dig into their pockets and buy then dig into the fat. I know a lot of women who gossip too much and at this rate, their husbands are going to carry placards written ‘My Wife Is A Parrot’ just to pitch for the rival cooking fat KASUKU.

It is advertising at its best or worst, depending on how you look at it. It is also, inzain!