I See Dead People

Each day, you open your daily newspaper, you expect to read about the good, the bad and the ugly. And that is exactly what you get when you open the Obituaries pages.

For some reasons, Kenyans have made it habitual to fill daily newspapers with photos of their beloved ones who have sadly, passed on.

The obsession is baffling. Frankly, why isn’t it just enough to place an announcement without having to attach the mugs of persons, at times pictured smiling or laughing or in graduation regalia?

For most Kenyans, the very first time that they see their photos in the daily press is when they are dead! Ahem…

The obituaries also seem to have a standard opening line: It is with humble acceptance of God’s will that we…

Humble acceptance. As opposed to 'arrogant acceptance'? Perhaps non-acceptance.

But surely, once you use the word ‘we’ it is necessary for people to know who ‘we’ refers to. Is it the newspaper? Is it the relatives? Is it Workland? If you expect those who have placed the announcement to indicate who they are, think again.

Instead, what follows is a long list of all the relatives of the deceased. And not just a list of relatives, the announcement won’t be complete if you do not indicate where all these relatives work.

Is the reason places of work are indicated so that those in denial can identify themselves? Is it so that those persons can use the obituary cutting as evidence to get off work?

Sometimes it is embarrassing when someone passes away and you realize from the obituary that he or she had employed most of their relations in the Department they were working in if they were in Government.

Of course, if someone is not in the motherland, it is absolutely necessary to inform everybody where they are. So brackets are placed after the names with clear indications which country that person is residing. Come on.

And then sometimes you read that 'the body will leave the mortuary'. Leave? You can think a Lazarus will happen. No. The cadaver will be removed, surely, without being willing.

If you are thinking that is the last time your mug appears in the press, please just don’t die because there is more. An appreciation message comes a few days after your burial.

So you may be thinking, ‘Why don’t these folks buy ‘Thank You’ cards and write to those that assisted them during the mourning period. Or send text messages to them at a cheaper cost. No way! We have to show that the funeral was graced by some big shot or political heavyweight. And advertise that!

Now, I know that the leading newspaper circulation could be 250,000 people per day. Living people. So how come, one freaking year later, we are putting up anniversary messages and addressing the dead person.

‘You are dearly missed!’

Not even, ‘We, being his wife and children and his creditors, dearly miss him!’

As the First Lady said whilst lambasting Prof. Saitoti for holding séances, dead people cannot be taught a lesson. Similarly, dead people do not read newspapers. Or go online to read the transitions messages.

We might not realize this, but it may be cost effective to simply put an announcement in the classified pages and use the rest of the funds we have been wasting on other things that we have also been wasting our moneys on.

Or if we must really do it, let us have fun whilst at it. After all, an anagram of 'funeral' is 'real fun'. Like saying:

Dad isn't John Darwin. He has not faked his own death. He really really passed away. Gave up his ghost. Reached his sell by date. Thankfully, not by the death penalty. Or that global warming that Al Gore keeps yapping about.

He leaves behind an unmade bed, unwashed utensils, a Giorgio Armani suit and of course, a will.

Following this termination, we intend to bury him. Not to make sure... come on. The interment shall be at room temperature because Dad was so hot. Or at least mum thinks so. There will be a last dance (which he won't participate in, LOL!). We are dead serious, pardon the pun, but he will take up residence at Lang'ata Cemetery without having to worry about rent.

The family of Whispers have fun doing it and even use a caricature of this true Kenyan legend. Now such are obituary messages that I can read.

* with deepest apologies to actual persons depicted above simply for illustration purposes. This blog is in loving memory of a loved one.