Monday, March 16, 2009

Pros and Cons

It is the tragedy of this life that once in a while we have to eke a living! For those of us who are extremely lazy and wouldn’t be bothered to lift a muscle each morning, it is oft a rude awakening after college to find that the next stage of life involves some form of servitude.

Me? Well, I think it is important that one caries out a SWOT analysis before he takes on a job.

Secretaries? Check. Workload? Check. Office near window? Check. Tea girl? Check.

It also helps if your job title is pronounceable. I have met persons calling themselves ‘Ethnomusicologists’ or some tongue twister else…. If all fails, settle for some abbreviations.

Like ‘AUE’. You can then only giggle as people google what that means. Another Useless Employee. After all, don’t we all call our CEO, the Crappy Eternal Optimist?

Whilst some policemen die on the job, there are jobs you can live for.

Take body painting. Or waxing. Or gynaecology. Or farming.

Farming? Oooooh yes. I was fascinated by people who indicated their occupations as PEASANT FARMER and always wanted to be a farmer especially since I was informed that every farmer gets a hoe. And you all know what happens to tea farmers after KTDA pays them their bonus.

Which brings me to Judy. One way to describe someone’s work is by saying what they do not do. Judy has never played rugby but she sure could get a position on that team. Judy is not a flanker or prop. Judy is not a barrister (maybe a solicitor). Judy be pretty woman.

Getting warmer? OK... when I first asked her what she does for a living, a smile smeared itself across her face and she simply whispered: I am a pro.

I asked: A professional what?

Her cell phone rung. ‘Sorry, am with a client’, she answered and hang up.

I frowned. Was she a professional con? She was the potential client, not I. I hoped it was mere phone etiquette. As she held the cell phone, she realized she could answer me quicker. She showed me a text message.

Turns out, she needed legal services and had been referred to me by someone. This Pretty Woman!

I asked: So how is business?

The economic crunch has brought us to our knees,’ she said conjuring images of a pun in my head.

I need help,’ she continued. ‘Someone made payment to me in kind and not cash’.

What kind?’

200 acres of land,’ she said triggering whistle from me and a suppressed Holy Molly.

You must be good!’ I teased.

Told you I am a pro,’ she said and looking directly in my eyes she added. ‘I hope you aren’t good!


I hear lawyers are either terrific in bed and terrible in court; or terrible in bed and terrific in court’.

‘Just your luck. I don’t play tennis!’

‘Well… I need you to handle the transfer of the property to my name,’ she said.

I could refer you to a good property lawyer,’ I offered.

You could, but it won’t help me. Am broke…’ her voice faltered. ‘I was hoping you could handle it pro bono. Please.’

Now why didn’t I become a stock broker? I would be gambling away with people’s moneys. Hell... I could be the Government Spokesman and perhaps do a better job whilst at it. I would get the President and First Lady on Oprah. Or I would scribble ‘You’ve been Punk’d’ at the end of each Presidential Press Conference and wave it at journalists.

Please!’ she repeated in whisper-mode. ‘I have no money at all! The only thing I could pay you with is this…’ Pause. Dips her hand I her rather expensive handbag and hands me a card.

What’s this?

It’s a voucher.’ she replies.

I look at the voucher and laugh. It even has the initials MBS after her name. She must be good to be awarded a Moran of the Burning Spear award. She puts me out of my misery by pointing at the initials and saying: Mind Blowing Sex.

I have heard of Judy Boucher… but this… is crazy. Judy Voucher!

That property transaction took place pro bono (as opposed to pro bone-her). Judy insists the offer still stands and the day I wish to utilize it, I should. I wonder what she has done with a 200 acre farm. I wonder if the farm has a bush. I wonder if she has trimmed the bush. I wonder if it’s ever a wet bush. It should be if it’s irrigated constantly. I wonder if she has built a house with a front lawn. Does she mow the lawn? I only wonder.

I should never have left the seminary. The secretaries were virgins, or so we believed; the workload didn't involve dealing with pleasant farmers like Judy, the view from my window was magnificent and the tea girl... was a pretty woman.


Girl In the Meadow said...

No it's a dry bush:). Interesting

31337 said...

spontaneous fires in said bush what what.

i heartily agree. you should not have left the convent.

Peter Njenga said...

Funny, as always...
Keep 'em comin'


Mama said...

LoL Our Kid!!

Say hi to Miss Judy MBS! Seriously, where do people come up with this stuff?!

Anonymous said...

lol..very funny. first time here, i love it. you gotta understand its the recession, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

pink m said...

That is one of the classiest professionals. 200 acres of land? I'm in the wrong career apparently.

Mama Shujaa said...

Another lovely read!

Loco said...

‘The economic crunch has brought us to our knees,’ Now how you managed to resist digging into that one is beyond me, my mind still can't stop generating some insane puns!!

Methinks you should take the government spokesman job :-)

*There's hilarious, then there's crazy, then there's your blog! Am still floored and I've just begun exploring the archives!!

SG said...

Hallelujah to SWOT!

Take the offer and get to know what skills she holds for her to acquire a farm as such. I would have demanded atleast a 1/8 piece of the farm!

Our Kid said...

@ Girl.. Dry bush? Surely must be moist.

@ 31337.. CONvent? Come now. It was a semen.. no, seminary.

@ PN.. I hope by coming you mean.. never mind!

@ Mama.. I was stumped by that MBS. Now am looking at people with EGH initials after their names with a wonder. Could it be Energetically Gyrating Hips?

@ Neema .. Judy sure is doing the do. As they say, wira ni wira.

@ PinkM .. She must be very good at what she does. But is it really a career?

@ Mama Shujaa.. Welcome.

@ Loco.. You are loco. There is no way I can fit it Dr. Mutua's shoes.

@ SG.. I am afraid that if I take the offer, it could prove to be addictive. An 1/8 of the farm? You drive a hard bargain. I wasn't even there when she was earning it!

Shiko-Msa said...

Oh. seems I'm late. I bet by now you've already taken up the offer? Post the report. It'll be a good read for those considering a change of careers.

joyunspeakable said... play with words.....
You must be good.

you must be a fool too in our eyes
to say no to such MBS....

KK said...

Ur name must not be Moses...otherwise u'd have ran from the bush just in case it became a burning bush... Then a talking bush. Seriously though, was that voucher transferable?

Anonymous said...

more of a wet plain than a bush but either way redeem thy voucher and thy shall see the light...then blog on it

*instantly a fan, great stuff OK

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