Bertil Live

Thanks Sydney. I am not used to holding a microphone in this manner or indeed speaking to a microphone that doesn’t have some three initials such as NTV, KTN, WTF.

WTF is of course the initials of the new TV station that only has shows on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday hence the WTF initials. Or since we have had a wedding, it could be in reference to what weddings are all about: Welcome To Family.

For those of you watching at home, this show is rated 18. Wait, Sydney, this is not LIVE? Damn... I thought I was in the league of Churchill. Oh that isn’t LIVE either.

So Martin and Liz got married today. At about 1.17pm they were declared man and wife. No need for DNA tests. I wish this had been like the inauguration of our cousin Obama Jr. when we could say the marriage took effect from noon.

I liked the fact that they chose not to use the bridal march Here Comes The Bride and went for From This Moment instead. I have never understood why people would sing that during the day, when we all know it should only be sang at night. In their wedding night suite. After all, only the two of them should be able to tell when the bride comes.

I spoke to the couple. They went for counseling. Don’t you just love the way the catechist assumes that all of us are virgins? Come on. It’s just as worse as calling the Kenyan Rugby team ‘The Virgin Boys’. So our dear couple played along. You both deserve the Oscar – a week too soon.

I frankly have no idea about Marto, but studies have shown that most boys in Kenya lose their virginity to mboches. I think when this study was made public, a host of girls didn’t mind turning Beyonce’s song to ‘If I Were A Mboch!’ Dee Jay please…

If I Were a Mboch… even just for a day…

I would roll into bed in the morning..

And throw in whom I wanted …

and go doing it with the guys.

And chase after boys… 

Speaking of whats-her-name.. yes.. Beyonce… any Single Ladies in the house? No, no Liz, you can’t raise your hand anymore. This marriage thing sure takes some time to get used to.

Single Ladies, this is where you are getting it wrong. Beyonce doesn’t point at her hands and say: If You Liked Me You Should Have Put Handcuffs On Me. Listen to the words…

Hopefully soon Beyonce will release another song called Pregnant Ladies. 

If you liked it then you should have put a thing on it…

Don't be mad when you say you have to baby sit… 

So I was asked to give words of advice to the couple. No, don’t laugh. That’s not a joke. I am so hurt.

Those of you who don’t know, I am a divorce lawyer. No one is paying me for being up here, so I may as well slot in that commercial break. Three things I can mention about marriages in Kenya. According to the law, the doors to a wedding ceremony have to be open. The wedding has to be before 6pm. And no.. weddings are not regulated by the Betting Control and Licensing Board.

So irrespective of the result for Martin today, this wasn’t a Ponyoka Na Liz contest.

I used to have a teacher who would start a word and ask us to finish. It is a Kenyan thing. You ask for directions and someone tells you ‘Enda hivi, ukifika hapo kwa nyumba nyekundu, piga ko___?’ And you have to say ‘Kona’. I know someone who said ‘Kofi’ when presented with that ‘Ko___?’ question. Most teachers preferred someone not repeating the fist bit of the hint word so you just complete the word.

Just like Liz completes Martin.

So, knowing my qualifications, I want us to offer this advise to the couple jointly.

For the men here, now that Martin is married, he will be going home to find ugali na su____?

KUMA? Guys… behave. You are such perverts. I ask you to tell Martin what he will find and that is all you think about? You can’t shout that. Langi Langi is a respectable premise. If cops here you shouting KUMA what will they think we are doing here. Jeez.

Ladies only now. By now you know that a marriage is not valid until it is consummated. So to Liz and Martin we say that you must consu_____?

MATE? You ladies are just as perverted as the guys. Your advise is ‘mate?’

I give up. Let me do this advice thing on my own. After all, the preacher said in church that opinions are like (beep)holes. Every one has one. I know, I know.. he didn’t use the exact words. But that was the message.

During the Counseling Classes I bet you Liz asked “How many time a week?” My opinion is twice is nice. But if you are feeling philanthropic and sufficiently charitable to our boy, then you can make it five times a week.

I have read that nowadays, men are the ones who are telling their wives that they are not in the mood. Martin pliz. I beg you. Headache or whatever… you have to when you are required. Frankly, I miss those days when women were women and men were … animals.

You did well today. I see you even crammed the vows. Those of you who don’t know, the couple overruled me when I suggested we call the marriage vows ‘The Audacity of Hope’.

Truth is, we hoped for a good day. We had a great day! It was always going to be great day from the day he proposed to her. Sorry.. but I have to say this. I am actually the one who proposed to her. Martin asked me since I am the wordy wordy one to ask her to marry him. And I went on bended knee and asked her: WILL … YOU …. MARRY… HIM?

Yes, so romantic. And this marriage will succeed. Yes, Liz.. you will succeed. Oh, and that is two words actually. ‘Suck’ and ‘seed’.

Marriage oh marriage. So blissful. A friend of the couple said he had no idea he will feel so trapped. His life was completely taken over. He couldn’t use the kitchen because the mboch was ever there. He couldn’t walk to get the daily newspaper in the morning coz he found it already on the table. What to do? He got man best friend. A dog, just so he could spend time with it and feed it. He fed it only once. The next day, he found the dog was being fed.

Martin wont make the same mistake. After all, Liz, not a dog, is his best friend.

Is my time up? Sydney. OK.. I would like to finally thank all those who made this day succeed (and that is one word). The Wedding Committee, you guys were great. I for one am happy we no longer have to go back to Regional for our meetings. I never saw the fire exits. Actually all I saw was that sign that states ‘IN CASE OF FIRE, SHOUT FIRE!’

Works as efficiently as the sign that says: IN CASE OF FIRE, SING.. THE ROOF! THE ROOF! THE ROOF IS ON FIRE!

To Liz and Martin. Whose only mistake was to invite me to do this skit. May you live and love each other as you have always done.