Driving Me Crazy

WOMAN WHO FAKED ORGASM ARRESTED

A woman who faked her orgasm was yesterday arrested in a hotel room in Nyahururu Town.

She was arraigned in court and convicted on her own plea of guilt. She was jailed for 2 years without an option of a fine.

“I apologize to the government, the police and to this court. I made a mistake.” she said.

“The offence is serious. You caused mental anguish and anxiety. Your actions call for a deterrent sentence.” the magistrate told her.

‘Bring that newspaper here!’ I said and snatched the newspaper from Alfie.

Turns out that Alfie, sick and tired of me not bothering to read the newspapers, was just playing a silly game where you delete a word from a newspaper report and replace it with another. The word in this case was ‘kidnap’ not ‘orgasm’.

He must think am some sort of nutter. I banned the listening of Classic 105 as I was ill and tired of the wankathons that go on the whole day; the crazy ad placements in each spoken word; the seemingly incessant use of a broken CD that repeats the same music each day…

Pardon my manners. Alfie. Yes, who is Alfie? One of the little perks that come with making pardner is getting a driver. It is the biggest irony that the people who are most driven get rewarded by being allocated a driver. So finally being a Divorce Lawyer is paying off. My colleagues in the Criminal Litigation Department, whom I call my ‘Partners in Crime’ aren’t entirely happy that a lazy bum like me gets such rewards.

I actually don’t see it as a reward. Alfie is the most insane driver you can ever get. I think I don’t just get him.

First his lingo is really one that can make you go postal. He has a different word from what I use for every thing that ever walked Gods green earth. You want an illustration? Righto!

“Nikojolee moteh,” he says as we pull into a petrol station.

I complain and ask him to speak in a language that I can understand. He calms me down by telling me: “Tazama sinema” and points at fuel pump.

‘What is moteh?’ I demand.

‘Brown,’ he responds and breaks into one of those permanent smiles that he was blessed or cursed with, depending on your mood.

Alfie’s mood is always happy. And happy go lucky. There are times he would be stopped by a stern looking traffic cop who will berate him for breaking one rule or the other.

“This is a one-way street!” a traffic cop recently barked.

“Asante kwa maoni,” Alfie responds.

I think the cop was more baffled than pissed for this truly was an order and not an opinion. I don’t think Alfie quite grasps the difference and I long gave up trying when I once found the car very dirty and told him in a manner likely to suggest an express order that he should always keep the car clean and he responded with the ‘Asante kwa maoni’ comment.

If there is something else you notice about Alfie is that he is always talking even when all you need is quietude.

“Hey, Mutoko, songa. Tunachelewa!” he would say leaving me quizzical as whom he was talking about. After all, no one but me could hear him. The answer lay in the car ahead of us.

Holy Molly! You have to realize that when Tevin Campbell was singing about ‘Can we talk, for a minute…’ and wanting to us that minute to know the girl’s name, he had probably never seem anything quite like this. He could have simply let he drive in front of him and saved himself airtime for one minute.

As we slowed down to negotiate the roundabout, which has some markings that look like zebra crossings nowadays, some matatu overtook us at a high speed leading to a whistle from Alfie.

“Wow! Innocent Egbunike!” he said.

“Who?!” I wondered. That driver, if he was called innocent, had all the hallmarks of guilt written all over him for putting a prodigious distance between us.

“Innocent Egbunike ni yule mNaija ali-overtake David Kitur huko Kasarani wakati wa All Africa Games 1987 akashinda 4 by 400 metres relay”

Now, taking me back over twenty years to explain a miscreant driver that is speeding is something only Alfie and probably Chirau Mwakwere can do.

Speaking of Mwakwere, no one but Alfie had told me a few days ago how when you said out the name Mwakwere without the first W, it meant something different and in fact it was an insult. I had yet to verify that when Alfie then went ahead to tell me his text tale.

“Ni kama mimi siku moja nilitumia KBG wangu SMS nikimuuliza ‘Kwani unamanga?”

Now I have been around Alfie long enough to know that reference to KBG is to a new found girlfriend. Now, surely, writing a text message to your girl asking her if she is eating isn’t something that is news worthy. Well sometimes Alfie rallies, sometime he don’t! This time he did.

“Kumbe nimeandika ‘Kwani unamangwa?”

Oh what a difference a W makes.

“The only good thing about this incident is that she was on loan”.

I told you. You can never quite follow what he is talking about. After prodding, he offers that a woman on loan is one in a come-we-stay relationship. So I ask Alfie why this girl is on loan.

“Huyo siwezi ku-afford transfer fees!” he replies.

He can’t pay dowry. But does he love her? I mean, if you love a woman, nothing, even an extra ordinary demand for bride-price should act as a bar to living together forever.

“Kweli. Inabidi. Ningalijua hivi ningalitumia hiyo January transfer window. Sasa ameninyima Sandra wiki yote,” Alfie complains.

Sandra? What is this? The V Monologues? Classic 105? At this rate, I could enjoy a private joke by grabbing lipstick and smearing ‘I HEART SANDRA’ on that snorkel.

You can never stop the chatter. What alarms me more is that sometimes there are lapses on concentration on the road.

It was him, for instance, who pointed out to me that there was a huge billboard near the City Mortuary with the slogan: KARIBU MEMBER.

As a G4S Securicor van zooms past with an escort of armed policemen in a saloon car trailing it.

“Wanapelekea Ringera mshahara wake! Mabanga!,” Alfie deadpans.

I really doubt that the head of the Kenya Anti Corruption Commission is paid in coins. Alfie must think two million shillings is all the money in the country. This concept of funding had been raised a few days before when a female hawker had approached the car with some wares and mentioned to us that they were on the cheap. She was selling underwear.

“Buy one get one free!” she implored. “Bro, its only 100 bob! Only”

“Unafikiri sijavaa kitu kuficha hizi 2B Continued zangu?” Alfie inquired of her. “Do you want to see it?”

“Alfie!” I shouted. I don’t subscribe to the notion that the only way to get rid of a persistent hawker is to be rude to them. In fact, no one should be rude to no one. So it was also pointless for Alfie to be stopped by cops and declare that he is not giving any of them a lift, even before they asked for such lift.

“Hawa wakorino wapendwa wanapenda hizo za bilashi” he defends himself. Typical irony, referring to cops as ‘beloved’.

But you have to live with rumour mongering if you have to spend some time with Alfie. It is from him that I learnt that Kioko was recently dumped by his on-loan girlfriend over the phone.

“Chinti alimkarangia simu, na Kioko hakusema eti ‘Halo – Tulia – kuna EC Pill’. La! Mude alikuwa asha-mtema! Simu aliangusha na kuendelea kuchora bizna. Ni mimi niliokota simu nikarudisha kwa masikio yake!”

Oh well. I pulled into a take away and waited for some pizza. Alfie decided to fill me in with his warped news briefings.

FRIENDS AGAIN

President Kibaki and Prime Minister Odinga shared a meal at the Prime Minister’s home in Bondo yesterday.

The President jokingly stated that his tour had been successful and that amongst the goodies that he had brought to the region during his tour was rain.

"My last rally in Ugenya was rained off. I take this as a blessing, since residents have been yearning for it all this season," he said amid cheers.

He he Alfie. Am not going to fall for that again.