Monday, July 27, 2009

Driving Me Crazy


A woman who faked her orgasm was yesterday arrested in a hotel room in Nyahururu Town.

She was arraigned in court and convicted on her own plea of guilt. She was jailed for 2 years without an option of a fine.

“I apologize to the government, the police and to this court. I made a mistake.” she said.

“The offence is serious. You caused mental anguish and anxiety. Your actions call for a deterrent sentence.” the magistrate told her.

‘Bring that newspaper here!’ I said and snatched the newspaper from Alfie.

Turns out that Alfie, sick and tired of me not bothering to read the newspapers, was just playing a silly game where you delete a word from a newspaper report and replace it with another. The word in this case was ‘kidnap’ not ‘orgasm’.

He must think am some sort of nutter. I banned the listening of Classic 105 as I was ill and tired of the wankathons that go on the whole day; the crazy ad placements in each spoken word; the seemingly incessant use of a broken CD that repeats the same music each day…

Pardon my manners. Alfie. Yes, who is Alfie? One of the little perks that come with making pardner is getting a driver. It is the biggest irony that the people who are most driven get rewarded by being allocated a driver. So finally being a Divorce Lawyer is paying off. My colleagues in the Criminal Litigation Department, whom I call my ‘Partners in Crime’ aren’t entirely happy that a lazy bum like me gets such rewards.

I actually don’t see it as a reward. Alfie is the most insane driver you can ever get. I think I don’t just get him.

First his lingo is really one that can make you go postal. He has a different word from what I use for every thing that ever walked Gods green earth. You want an illustration? Righto!

“Nikojolee moteh,” he says as we pull into a petrol station.

I complain and ask him to speak in a language that I can understand. He calms me down by telling me: “Tazama sinema” and points at fuel pump.

‘What is moteh?’ I demand.

‘Brown,’ he responds and breaks into one of those permanent smiles that he was blessed or cursed with, depending on your mood.

Alfie’s mood is always happy. And happy go lucky. There are times he would be stopped by a stern looking traffic cop who will berate him for breaking one rule or the other.

“This is a one-way street!” a traffic cop recently barked.

“Asante kwa maoni,” Alfie responds.

I think the cop was more baffled than pissed for this truly was an order and not an opinion. I don’t think Alfie quite grasps the difference and I long gave up trying when I once found the car very dirty and told him in a manner likely to suggest an express order that he should always keep the car clean and he responded with the ‘Asante kwa maoni’ comment.

If there is something else you notice about Alfie is that he is always talking even when all you need is quietude.

“Hey, Mutoko, songa. Tunachelewa!” he would say leaving me quizzical as whom he was talking about. After all, no one but me could hear him. The answer lay in the car ahead of us.

Holy Molly! You have to realize that when Tevin Campbell was singing about ‘Can we talk, for a minute…’ and wanting to us that minute to know the girl’s name, he had probably never seem anything quite like this. He could have simply let he drive in front of him and saved himself airtime for one minute.

As we slowed down to negotiate the roundabout, which has some markings that look like zebra crossings nowadays, some matatu overtook us at a high speed leading to a whistle from Alfie.

“Wow! Innocent Egbunike!” he said.

“Who?!” I wondered. That driver, if he was called innocent, had all the hallmarks of guilt written all over him for putting a prodigious distance between us.

“Innocent Egbunike ni yule mNaija ali-overtake David Kitur huko Kasarani wakati wa All Africa Games 1987 akashinda 4 by 400 metres relay”

Now, taking me back over twenty years to explain a miscreant driver that is speeding is something only Alfie and probably Chirau Mwakwere can do.

Speaking of Mwakwere, no one but Alfie had told me a few days ago how when you said out the name Mwakwere without the first W, it meant something different and in fact it was an insult. I had yet to verify that when Alfie then went ahead to tell me his text tale.

“Ni kama mimi siku moja nilitumia KBG wangu SMS nikimuuliza ‘Kwani unamanga?”

Now I have been around Alfie long enough to know that reference to KBG is to a new found girlfriend. Now, surely, writing a text message to your girl asking her if she is eating isn’t something that is news worthy. Well sometimes Alfie rallies, sometime he don’t! This time he did.

“Kumbe nimeandika ‘Kwani unamangwa?”

Oh what a difference a W makes.

“The only good thing about this incident is that she was on loan”.

I told you. You can never quite follow what he is talking about. After prodding, he offers that a woman on loan is one in a come-we-stay relationship. So I ask Alfie why this girl is on loan.

“Huyo siwezi ku-afford transfer fees!” he replies.

He can’t pay dowry. But does he love her? I mean, if you love a woman, nothing, even an extra ordinary demand for bride-price should act as a bar to living together forever.

“Kweli. Inabidi. Ningalijua hivi ningalitumia hiyo January transfer window. Sasa ameninyima Sandra wiki yote,” Alfie complains.

Sandra? What is this? The V Monologues? Classic 105? At this rate, I could enjoy a private joke by grabbing lipstick and smearing ‘I HEART SANDRA’ on that snorkel.

You can never stop the chatter. What alarms me more is that sometimes there are lapses on concentration on the road.

It was him, for instance, who pointed out to me that there was a huge billboard near the City Mortuary with the slogan: KARIBU MEMBER.

As a G4S Securicor van zooms past with an escort of armed policemen in a saloon car trailing it.

“Wanapelekea Ringera mshahara wake! Mabanga!,” Alfie deadpans.

I really doubt that the head of the Kenya Anti Corruption Commission is paid in coins. Alfie must think two million shillings is all the money in the country. This concept of funding had been raised a few days before when a female hawker had approached the car with some wares and mentioned to us that they were on the cheap. She was selling underwear.

“Buy one get one free!” she implored. “Bro, its only 100 bob! Only”

“Unafikiri sijavaa kitu kuficha hizi 2B Continued zangu?” Alfie inquired of her. “Do you want to see it?”

“Alfie!” I shouted. I don’t subscribe to the notion that the only way to get rid of a persistent hawker is to be rude to them. In fact, no one should be rude to no one. So it was also pointless for Alfie to be stopped by cops and declare that he is not giving any of them a lift, even before they asked for such lift.

“Hawa wakorino wapendwa wanapenda hizo za bilashi” he defends himself. Typical irony, referring to cops as ‘beloved’.

But you have to live with rumour mongering if you have to spend some time with Alfie. It is from him that I learnt that Kioko was recently dumped by his on-loan girlfriend over the phone.

“Chinti alimkarangia simu, na Kioko hakusema eti ‘Halo – Tulia – kuna EC Pill’. La! Mude alikuwa asha-mtema! Simu aliangusha na kuendelea kuchora bizna. Ni mimi niliokota simu nikarudisha kwa masikio yake!”

Oh well. I pulled into a take away and waited for some pizza. Alfie decided to fill me in with his warped news briefings.


President Kibaki and Prime Minister Odinga shared a meal at the Prime Minister’s home in Bondo yesterday.

The President jokingly stated that his tour had been successful and that amongst the goodies that he had brought to the region during his tour was rain.

"My last rally in Ugenya was rained off. I take this as a blessing, since residents have been yearning for it all this season," he said amid cheers.

He he Alfie. Am not going to fall for that again.


Anonymous said...

LOL Kid!!!

Anonymous said...

lmao ur too funny. u actually got me with that woman and her orgasm...:)) na ati kwani unamangwa? hehehehehehe...hilarious!

Sibbie said...

Lol! You have truly made my day! Alfie is just one funny guy..hehehe

Mama Shujaa said...

ROFL! Yaani! Our Kid! Asante kwa maoni.

I love the rhythmn of this piece, Alfie sets it and I'm waiting with baited breath to find out what next? What a character?! And if I did not congratulate you before, Congrats on making partner. Heh, ni full muenjoyo kweli kweli, ama?

I look forward to hearing more Alfie storos na 2B continued zake!!!!

OMG this was classic! Thanks.

Mama Shujaa

Mama Shujaa said...

You need to write a book!

joyunspeakable said...

Our kid you drove me does carol mutoko blog? She really has alfie enthralled by her supposed car!! Hehehehe....i now have an answer for critics....asante kwa maoni...ngai....lmao

KK said...

I was about to pack up and head back to Nyahururu my hometown. Alfie is quite an interesting character.

Our Kid said...

@ Anon... Always welcome around these shores.

@ Neema... I may be a lawyer but when i heard Alfie mention that faking orgasms is a crime, even I was stumped!

I think people have to proof read text messages before sending them.

@ Sibbie... Always happy to make you day as Alfie makes my day.

@ Mama Shujaa... Asante kwa maoni. (Thanks for your two comments!) LOL!

Always a pleasure to get your feedback. Am also following that series you are running about the Shady Taxi Driver.

I need to write a book? OK, good suggestion.

@ Joyunspeakable... Caroline Mutoko has been i the news about her rides. I remember once she parked her car somewhere and some dude parked behind her and she left the car there and got her other car to use. Class or crass? You decide!

@ KK... You from Nyahururu? LMAO! Wow. I hope no one fakes anything there!

Farmgal said...

Asante kwa maoni! LOL

M said...

Ha ha! Tell alfie to set up his own blog!

savvy said...

Alfie...I'd have taken the offer to see his 2B continued if I was that hawker.

Mo said...

I had to run down (well, not literally) and check whether one of our company drivers called Bryo was still working here. Looks like he has an impostor running around driving newly pardner'd (cheers!) divorce lawyers.

I'm another person that is totally going to be using that 'asante kwa maoni" line.

xs said...

I like Alfie... We need to introduce him to Jimmy (check my blog) and observe the mischief they will come up with!

Mama said...

Someone out there has listed you as 'Our Crazy Kid' on her blogroll, I think she's right! And to think someone out there respects you sanaa now that you made pardner! BTW, congrats for getting there....Mama here is very proud of you!

Seriously, do you laugh when Alfie says these things? I would really like to see how he looks, I don't know many funny people.

Si you tell him to start his own blog like M has suggested above?

Popeboy said...

hilarious!!! good read and actually in the UK they recently arrested and charged aa woman for "getting it on too loudly" and she was ordered by the Court to erect sound proof devices on her wall, now thats what they should call a crime of passion!

gladys said...

Our Kid is now a pard'ner?heh!No wonder on this post your sounding all executive-ish lmao!And you just had to ensure we knew you're rolling in a merc in that pic,but do you say ha ha ha ha!!
Congratulations and now i too wish i had a driver,just like Alfie with his many tales ;-)
How about a weekly post?

Our Kid said...

@ Farmgal... The 'asante kwa maoni' quip seems to be very beloved in this maoni section.

@ M... If Alfie set up his own blog, I think he will quit his daytime job. I think I should hook him up with Eric Omondi of the Hawayu 'comedy'

@ Savvy... Nooooo! Nobody wants to see exposed 2B Continued's in the middle of the street.

@ Mo... Maybe Alfie is Bryo's twin. You mean such characters abound? Heaven save us all!

@ xS... Jimmy is playing it rather unsafe. I think they should however get together and form some group like Redykyulass 2!

@ Mama... Our Crazy Kid? I think I saw that on Shiko-Msa who seems to have moved blog-houses without asking us for a house warming party.

Thanks (is that what people say when congratulated?).

Sometimes I find these Alfie antics annoying. Especially his permanent smile.

@ Popeboy... That was a Crime of Passion? CMYS!!! That is not what they taught us at Law School! Well things really evolve.

@ Gladys... Executive-ish? Really? This is one of those posts that featured to many sheng words! You are funny.

My apologies about the photo. Completely missed that one. I should try photoshop.

No weekly post at this time. Too may people getting divorced which is a sad (oh well and a boon!) so am still kinda busy.

gladys said...

No need to photoshop,you know i was just teasing...thats what we undergrads do when someone makes it big time :)
Am still laughing at karibu member and the underwear.Thank God they havent started selling ladies undies cos that would make for a very awkward conversation for so many chics what with the persistence of hawkers kwa jam

KR said...

And your post proves you cannot write a 'sheng' dictionary.

I once tried listening to two 'makangas' and I got very little yet I grew up in Eastlands.

Congratulations on making partner.

Pete R Njenga said...

Congratulations are indeed in order, on your making partner.

Denny Crane? Alan Shore?

And yeah, Alfie and Jimmy can be such a hilarious pair. Concur with Xs.

Have a smashing weekend!

Digzer said...

Kiddo you're just the one!!! This weekend I'll be smiling broadly at the thought of "Karibu Member"!

Congrats on making partner. 2B continued ...

Darius Stone said...

Our Kid...LOL! your driver is loco

Believe - the "right" kind of driver is the most invaluable asset and confidant you could ever have.

I remember once we were in Kampala and got assigned a new driver. My buddy insisted we test this jamaas loyalty, and when he dropped us for a night out at Steak Out, we insisted he come in with us and promptly plonked a cold beer in front of him. I guess he was used to parking the car and sleeping until it was time to drive again.

The dude was so overwhelmed by the hot chics at the club, he couldn't contain himself, staring like someone had just unleashed a hyena in amongst the lambs. We knew we had his atention when like a little child who's just discovered fruit from the poisoned tree - he pointed at a girl in a mini skirt saying "boss - that girl has an ass like my daughter"....and the girl was hoooottt!

Let's just say the night and the entire trip in Kampala turned out to be a comedy from start to finish"

...And was his daughter. Clearly she didn't ever expect dude to enter a night club.

Our Kid said...

@ Gladys... As long as the underwear being sold are not second hand, then all would be good if hawking is allowed. But nowhere near Alfie.

@ KR.. You may be right. A 'sheng dictionary' is actually an oxymoron. The language evolves too fast for its own good.

@ Pete... Hey.. relax. Thank you for your elevation. Have a smashed weekend too.

@ Digzer... Honestly. Let us hope no one gets welcomes into that mortuary. Too many road accidents around! And according to Clay Court today, Mwakwere is not to blame!

@ Darius... Clearly one of the best comments I have read. Asante kwa maoni!!! The delivery of your tale was superb. I bow.

The daughter!!! ROTFLMAO!!!

Seriously though, drivers talk too much!

Maua said...

Read the papers and Alfie will not play up.

When 'the bill' stop me, they want a lift? That cracked me.

Surely, I second Alfie's blog, but with supervision so he can keep his day job.

savvy said...

Well, I could see 2B continued somewhere more private..

Did I say congratulations for making partner? Like Peter Njenga, I like Boston I want to be a lawyer when I grow up.

Shiko-Msa said...

Asanteni kwa maoni.

NiKolaS said...

you may safely throw away your car radio. alfie seems to fit the bill for entertainment to a 'T'.

boyfulani said...

jo!Hiyo sheng' umeeangusha hapo ivi, compe deadly!

takes long to master the savvinness of a partner?

gladys said...

Is it yet time for a new 1?

Our Kid said...

@ Maua.. Reading the newspapers is so last century!

@ Savvy... thanks. You certainly seem to be in the hip hop generation that says: Don't Hate, Congratulate!

@ Shiko-Msa... Yaani I think that is the most annoying line Alfie has even produced.

@ Nikolas... No way. Though listening to the radio in the morning is not recommended by most Kenyan doctors. Did you hear the lady who was singing Florida's 'I Wanna Be On You' for Shaffie? Special dedication and she blew him a kiss after her rendition.

She actually sang I Wanna Be On You! LOL!

@ Boyfulani... Sheng is a complicated lingo. It really gets on my nerves.

@ Gladys... Oh... You need a new blog? OK... will process your request pronto.

SupremeGREAM said...

I agree with Xs. Jimmy & Alfie should hook up. There other day I was with my boss, we got into a filling station and told the attedant "Jaza na mia!" He looked confused! Road dramas I love. I like that one where he says “Hey, Mutoko, songa. Tunachelewa!” Coz I cant imagine Mutoko in a Subaru Vivio. Yes that tiny thing is a Subaru Vivio. 4 foward gears, for wheel select, 980cc!

joyunspeakable said...

Yeah...could not resist coming back. That ride is a merc. Nice one.

Good Night Sms said...

Wao what a crazy driving. thanks for sharing this informative post.