Tender Loving Care

If you read the newspaper, you would have seen this Tender.

Well, well, well.

The Kenyan Military really knows how to outdo themselves.

The one that caught everyone’s eyes is the Supply of Complete Housewives.

Or you can supply Camouflage Materials. You know the ones that you take nothing there and they ask you, where are the materials? And you say: ‘You can’t see them? Well, they are really camouflaged!’ And you get paid for delivering materials that they didn’t even see!

Or you can Supply Bags that are asleep. Reminds me of the time our Primary School teacher would say words like ‘Walking Stick’ and we think he means a stick that walks! Anyways, better let sleeping bags lie.

For those fashionistas, this is it: Supply of High Ankle Boots. OK, OK. Same thing as Boots High Ankle. The Fashion Military Police would surely not arrest you as you will spur an increase of female cadets.

You can choose to supply meat on bone. Now, first let me dispel the rumour. If you think you can take some men and point at their trouser fly and say: Here is some meat on bone (hint, hint), they have clarified and said it is beef.

So that is why they ask people to open their mouths during the recruitment interviews. Then you are told: These teeth cannot chew bones! They then replicate the scene in the Officer's Mess. ‘Hey Afande, hii nyama haina mfupa! Rudisha uweke mfupa’.

No, I think the Armed Forces is really going to the dogs. Or at least the bones are!

But, man shall not live on bones alone. There has to be bread. Question is, must the bread supplied be unsliced? Or is slicing bread one of the military drills? Afande, slice this bread without using a knife!

Maybe I just have a fertile imagination. But that won't help if you wish to supply chicken eggs. They have to be unfertilized. Note: the tender does not say that the Bed Sheets supplied have to be clean! Why would you need clean bed sheets if you are being supplied with complete house wives! The eggs though: unfertilized.

Unfertilized eggs are just a hen's way of menstrual cycle.

But shock on you is that they didn't specify and add that the eggs should be laid by white hens. Or noting the fad with Kenyans: imported eggs. It amuses me the way you go to the supermarket and a Kenyan is checking out the mileage of an egg.

Supply of Fresh Vegetables, Fruits and Potatoes brings to fore the age old question. Is a potato a fruit or a vegetable or neither? You would imagine it is a tuberous vegetable but the wise Military Nutritionists must have figured out in a way that is otherwise.

No. This Military Nutritionists are actually incredible, with emphasis on the last six letters of the word INCRedible. They have advised them to get cap forage. Forage is the plant material mainly plant leaves and stems eaten by grazing animals. So it makes sense for the Military to be assigned to Mount Elgon and go there with edible caps!

And those human rights activists who have been accusing Government of deploying the military in Mount Elgon to flush out the Sabaot Land Defence Force as a fire fighting exercise, then those claims just got credible! The Military requires supply of more fire fighting equipment. Gives a whole new meaning to the word 'FIGHTING' when used in reference to the Military.

So there you have it.

The Tender closes soon so you better get working on it. Just don't supply the complete series of Desperate Housewives, Season 3.