Ecstatic Statistics

You must remember whilst I have I forgot the Bridget Jones movie, not sure if it’s the prequel or the sequel, which ends with our favourite spinster conducting some sort of diarized audit for the year; more of a Balance Sheet by listing the number of times some events have taken place during that year. Marriage Proposals -1, Times Arrested -1 men, Times Shagged - well, am not too sure (...if at all this item was amongst them).

So my utter consternation when I saw our friends at DRUM magazine have a cover feature of Ndura Waruinge. You know, at the end of the year, he is going to do his audit and come up with, Magazine Covers - 1, whilst you, myself and Irene are not going to equal or better that statistic. But don’t give up yet, you could actually become a Deranged Rowdy Ugly Moron, and make the cover, if I am not mixing up the new acronym. Well, looking at previous covers featuring Winnie Wangui maybe that is not the criteria.

Since my recent absence from the office, I am proud to state that my internal auditing so far has seen quite a number of exciting features and the all exciting statistic: Bungee Jumps - 1.

That, I am proud of. But the statistic I am certainly not proud of is: Harry Porter movies watched - 1. And it all started when my sweet faced niece asked me three successive questions. Can you please skive work on Friday afternoon? To watch a movie? Harry Potter? Frankly, this is the one moment I should have used that line Beyonce once used as a lyric. A hat trick of nos! No! No! No! But it is hard to turn down someone who calls you “Uncle B” like it is some code or ranking. Perhaps, to jump to “Uncle A” status I had to sit through a session of watching witches for two and a half hours.

I still have a few chances to redeem my image. There is the Nairobi Marathon in October. I hope to get another statistic on number of Marathons Ran having missed the Lewa Marathon due to its connotation of inebriation. You know, one sure way for me to get to the cover of a magazine, is if they had a new one called DRUNK Magazine.

With Akon supposedly a ‘coming soon’ poster boy, the statistic for Concerts Attended may improve from zero. I may not like the dude, especially after he sang the song Lonely with what sounds like a vocorder but sometimes, you have to ensure that you balance the statistics of Funerals Attended with that of happier events.

Whilst companies boast of Corporate Social Responsibility, there are things we have to do that are in the realm of that, only that since we are doing them in our personal capacities, it is Personal Social Responsibility. Cue, Patients Visited - 4.

I will let you know that I have started reading a novel. Yvette Christiansë’s Unconfessed. I have so far read the first page and my speed isn’t helped by the fact that I have placed the book in the loo and only get to read it during my loo breaks. Frankly, the only chance I have to finish this book and get my statistic of Novels Read to improve is if I get Malooned.

Everyone strives to have the statistics that make their year a very fulfilling one. That is what life is all about. It is a bunch of statistics. And what better way live than to ensure that your statistics are maximizing the things that make you happy. And if a human being thinks an average of 50,000 thoughts a day, surely that is enough to ensure that we make decisions that improve some of the ecstatic statistics in our lives.