Ecstatic Statistics

You must remember whilst I have I forgot the Bridget Jones movie, not sure if it’s the prequel or the sequel, which ends with our favourite spinster conducting some sort of diarized audit for the year; more of a Balance Sheet by listing the number of times some events have taken place during that year. Marriage Proposals -1, Times Arrested -1 men, Times Shagged - well, am not too sure (...if at all this item was amongst them).

So my utter consternation when I saw our friends at DRUM magazine have a cover feature of Ndura Waruinge. You know, at the end of the year, he is going to do his audit and come up with, Magazine Covers - 1, whilst you, myself and Irene are not going to equal or better that statistic. But don’t give up yet, you could actually become a Deranged Rowdy Ugly Moron, and make the cover, if I am not mixing up the new acronym. Well, looking at previous covers featuring Winnie Wangui maybe that is not the criteria.

Since my recent absence from the office, I am proud to state that my internal auditing so far has seen quite a number of exciting features and the all exciting statistic: Bungee Jumps - 1.

That, I am proud of. But the statistic I am certainly not proud of is: Harry Porter movies watched - 1. And it all started when my sweet faced niece asked me three successive questions. Can you please skive work on Friday afternoon? To watch a movie? Harry Potter? Frankly, this is the one moment I should have used that line Beyonce once used as a lyric. A hat trick of nos! No! No! No! But it is hard to turn down someone who calls you “Uncle B” like it is some code or ranking. Perhaps, to jump to “Uncle A” status I had to sit through a session of watching witches for two and a half hours.

I still have a few chances to redeem my image. There is the Nairobi Marathon in October. I hope to get another statistic on number of Marathons Ran having missed the Lewa Marathon due to its connotation of inebriation. You know, one sure way for me to get to the cover of a magazine, is if they had a new one called DRUNK Magazine.

With Akon supposedly a ‘coming soon’ poster boy, the statistic for Concerts Attended may improve from zero. I may not like the dude, especially after he sang the song Lonely with what sounds like a vocorder but sometimes, you have to ensure that you balance the statistics of Funerals Attended with that of happier events.

Whilst companies boast of Corporate Social Responsibility, there are things we have to do that are in the realm of that, only that since we are doing them in our personal capacities, it is Personal Social Responsibility. Cue, Patients Visited - 4.

I will let you know that I have started reading a novel. Yvette Christiansë’s Unconfessed. I have so far read the first page and my speed isn’t helped by the fact that I have placed the book in the loo and only get to read it during my loo breaks. Frankly, the only chance I have to finish this book and get my statistic of Novels Read to improve is if I get Malooned.

Everyone strives to have the statistics that make their year a very fulfilling one. That is what life is all about. It is a bunch of statistics. And what better way live than to ensure that your statistics are maximizing the things that make you happy. And if a human being thinks an average of 50,000 thoughts a day, surely that is enough to ensure that we make decisions that improve some of the ecstatic statistics in our lives.

Smallest Book In The World

I think you have noticed that I made quite a BIG jump on my second post after my entering the virgin territory of blogging. I jumped straight into the political minefield and gave my two-cents worth of advice to my fellow Kenyans. But since I am also Catholic, I think this is perhaps, the perfect confession time now that I am pontificating. I have never voted in the last three General Elections and I also skipped the Referendum vote.

Now, you may be wondering where this is heading to. But I will spare you the ‘preaching water and taking wine’ analogy. Instead, I will pursue another line of reason.

When I was little and still in the infancy stages of looking at the world from any other point other than seriousness, there was a book that I used to keep close to my heart called “The Smallest Book In the World”.

This was a book of jokes but that was not the reason it was such a hit to my good-self. I was very much in like of this book since it was so small that it could fit in my side pocket of the jeans which was the size of a Nacet razor. You could also read this book in a span of one and a half minutes, which is the time it takes for an elephant to blink. Supposedly, if not entirely in my small world.

So in latter years, I fell in love. With football. Good sexy football. And no sexier player caressed the ball like one head-butter called Zinedine Zidane. My French-less sister gets mixed up and says Zinedane Zidine but it’s a try. Zidane! If you know him, please read on. If you don’t know him, please buy yourself rat poison and mix it in your next meal. So Zidane scored three goals for Real Madrid in a Spanish League match what is commonly called a hat-trick. It turned out that it was the first time in his Madrid career that he had scored three goals in match. I remember thinking to myself: “There is the smallest book in the word - the Book of Zidane Hat Tricks!”

So when there is no abundance of something, it means that whatever it is, it can fit in the smallest book in the world.

Take for instance, kisses.

If there has been a dearth of kisses coming your way, then perhaps the smallest book in the world is the book of your kisses. But if you are having plenty of kisses, then it is a big book.

There were times when I have thought that the smallest book in the world is the book of The People Who Love Our Kid. So many people have the gift of getting annoyed with me even when it seems to be over trivial matters. This could be in the office setting, on the road, at home or even close relations. It is time I worked on improving the size of that book!

As you can from my aforestated confession, when I vote at the end of this year, you are going to be right to say “There is the smallest book in the word - the Book of Our Kid’s Number of Voting!”

Once in a while when I have attended church, with the infrequency that is topped by that of a church mouse, I have been told to count my blessings and name them one by one. So should you. And if you are prone to thinking “There is the Smallest Book In the Word – The Book of My Blessings!” you will be pleasantly surprised to see what the Good Lawd has done! It’s a big book.

What is the smallest book in your world?