Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Bride Price

I got an advance list from Monique’s family about the dowry expected.

A rope for Monique’s mother? Seriously. Well thank heavens I know someone with a sisal farm.

2 Blankets and a pair of sheets? OK, Nakumatt… they need, you’ve got it.

46 goats? 46? Why 46?

22 batch (er.. batch?) of bananas plus two others? Plus two others. Why not just say 24? I always knew people who get married are bananas but this is really putting it quite literally.

A debe of honey for Monique’s father? A debe? Not a bottle. Not a tin. A debe? Is there even a place one can buy a debe of honey. Isn’t that like 20 litres of honey?

A debe of honey for Monique’s mother? Oh boy. And I was thinking the mother will get satisfaction by calling her Dad the pet word ‘Honey’. Two debes it is then!

Beer as a follow up of the goat? Hopefully, I get to partake of the beer. Bt wait, the goats are live aren’t they? So no roast goat meat… so why beer to follow them up!

12 sacks of maize and 1 sack of beans? Hmmmm. Not genetically modified.

Oh.. there is a choice… you either give small dowry or big dowry. Very clever!

Bull slaughtered by Our Kid and eaten at Monique’s father’s home? Wow. I have to slaughter the bull? Seriously. I need to go for those bull fighting lessons and give them quite a show!

He goat (brought by Our Kid when the bull is being slaughtered)? How do I do that? Shouldn’t I be slaughtering the bull? There is no Our Kid clone to bring the goat at the same time. And does that make it 47 goats, now?

A ram (this can be converted to money!)? Believe me, everything in this world can be converted to money!

Bulls and cows? No way. What about the goats?

Beer? More beer? Unless this is now specified to be Keroche Industries beer and the other one was East African Breweries beer!

Bring beer to Monique’s family four times? Wait? Four times? Before or after marriage? Four times? Did my barman have anything to do with this list?

2 goats for the grandmother’s paternal and maternal? If you are counting, that is now 49 goats! I thought one of her grandmother’s is deceased.

A goat for Monique’s brothers? And we now hit the 50 mark! Goats are popular!

A goat for the maternal uncle? 51? Now this is getting pricy!

A goat for the firewood? Huh? A goat for the firewood? What next? A goat for the matchbox? But I see there is a clarification.. you could replace this goat with firewood. Hmmm. With the sort of conservation going on at the Mau Forest, chances are you can actually be safe getting a goat rather than the firewood.

One side of the caucus? Still trying to digest this. Carcass? The Bull Must Be Big? How big?

Fat – One goat? Hmmm. Goat 53.

A bundle of sugar cane – one goat? You know what… I think am sticking to goat. No ay you can go to Mumias to get sugar cane when you can replace it with Goat 54.

A goat for the paternal uncle? I knew it! I was wondering why the maternal uncle was getting a goat whilst the paternal one was left out. I think am going to just round off and make it 60 goats!

A goat? He he he! Goat 56. This one was simply a goat! To whom it is going, it was not stated. I think this may be going to the local chief! I like that! A goat!

Money? Money? Or Honey? Money! No denomination, could be dollars, could be shillings, could be pounds, could be Euros. Money!

Money for those who attend the dowry negotiation? Wow. These guys drive a hard bargain. I like the word negotiations, though.


kellie said...

Honey, money goats!

Can you pay dowry in Zim Dollars?

After you convert all that into Kshs, please publish the budget on here.

Our Kid said...

@ Kellie... Zim dollars! I like the way you think!

I am trying to get a bride here, not to lose her! He he. But what an idea! I think I could just use that!

Ms. XX said...

Now why would Monique's mother want a rope? Sounds ominous to me! Be afraid Our Kid, be very afraid :-)

Our Kid said...

@ Ms. XX... If what I am thinking is what you are thinking, then that rope isn't one of things I am going to strike out. That one stays!

But seriously, a rope? Okay, maybe it was lost in translation, they also translated it as a belt!

Digzer said...

Maybe the rope is to tie the goats?

My pal went for negotiations and was shocked at the few requirements he was asking the chick "kwani you were on offer?!"

Dude now finds himself in your state in so far as conjugal rights go!

Our Kid said...

@ Digzer... Well. but it says the rope is for the mother of the bride! So surely it can't be for the goats!

But I really laughed at your 'special offer' comment. Eish. Your pal must have been lucky.

You really pay a hefty price for a bride. Hopefully I get lots of compensation later.

bankelele said...

These demands are outrageous. I guess they are trying to convince you that instead of getting a lorry of 50 goats they will accept cash which is probably more than the cost of a wedding. Your side should be firm, say this is what we do, and what we pay when we marry FULL STOP or no wedding! Your bride has to assist you hear and tell her family to stop these demands (will she elope?)

Also consult an elder from her side (who’s s stranger to her family) and find out if you’re being hit up too hard.

Our Kid said...

@ Bankelele... Thank you! Now you are talking. I quite find the demands outrageous. I spoke to my elders and in fact, in my community, no goats are exchanged at dowry.

Trouble is, if you are marrying a girl, is it your customs or hers that are followed?

I have been thinking about the eloping option... but I think that should be a last minute option.

50 goats? I knew I was being had!

joyunspeakable said...

OK.. Yu being used.'Monique has had a negative influence on u, no sex, testing u with her sister, now robbing a whole pokot village will save yu. What do you exactly like in that monstress and her suicidal family (seeing tht the mother has a rope to hang herself?). Run, run run...

kalakoder said...

Last I checked, acquiring a bride from matuu ndallas wasn't this overbearing. @ Bankelele is right:FIRM ground is the way to go and prepare your lady to jump out the window in case the negotiations go south.Worst possible case, there's Cilla

Our Kid said...

@ Joyunspeakable... I really have no idea what pulls me to Monique.. but I am just powerless to her.

I am not so much bothered about the mum. At least I won't pull a Barack Obama and ask her to stay with us. That rope like someone said, is probably for the goats.

@ Kalakoder... I think things have changed. You cant just get a bride on the cheap nowadays. It is a whole business venture out there.

That is the price I have to pay for getting hooked to a model.

KK said...

Well... I hope u have a prenup and that u considered this excessive price when writing it... but u the lawyer.

gladys said...

And a goat for transporting the bride to the ceremony, another goat for proposing,a goat for each child you're thinking of having and another for each year they looked after your bride to be
Oh......and dont take too long there are other guys like the chief's son waiting in line ready to pay the same or more lol!

Kellie said...

I'm back.

Now, since dowry is quoted as per the lady's tradition, I insist on you paying it in your national currency which is Zim Dollars.

You can consult Quincy Timberlake on the intricacies of multiple passports.

Our Kid said...

@ KK... I am not thinking about the D word right now. First I get married, the divorce can wait.

@ Gladys... You can take the mickey for now. I am sure no Chief's son wants to take Monique.

But those goats are just too many! It is like they are obsessed with goats.

If you sneeze, am sure they ask you for another goat!

@ Kellie... Are you serious? I am not Zimbabwean otherwise this blog would be titled Our Dictator Bert.

I actually admire Quincy Timberlake for living my dream. (That is, Esther by his side not the religious mumbo jumbo)

Kellie said...

I'm loving this post @Our Kid!

Here's an idea. How about your brainwash Monique (or give her whatever weed QT is giving Esther), and in two months time she will be suing her parents?

There's loads to learn from Quincy Timberlake

Mama Shujaa said...

Is this the first list? Before negotiations? Who his negotiating on your behalf? Make sure the final agreed upon list has no fine print kwa sababu, extended family members always come out of the woodwork with last minute requests.

Our Kid said...

@ Kellie... I need blessings so here is no way am going to get Monique to sue her parents. I have however been thinking of an option of elopement but we have gone too far to start doing that.

@ Mama Shujaa... Thanks for looking out. Hopefully this is the first and final list. I am feeling quite mutinous about this dowry thing and unfortunately 'my elders' also seem to want something from me. They have been asking for huge amounts to travel to Monique's home.

Apparently, under custom I am supposed to cook for Monique's parents or arrange such appropriate meal for them at a later stage.

I should try the Bankelele suggestion. If Monique doesn't play ball, I may just threaten to marry someone else.

gishungwa said...

I always thought that brides were acquired on hire purchase terms i.e. you pay a deposit and then take her home then pay the rest in installments. Looking at that list, i move this is the way to go.


Anonymous said...


Maua said...

I'm hoping u made the negotiating with Zim Dollars, and u need a wedding planner, a photographer and a videographer. I negotiate too.

yellasoul said...

hehehe...btw,the number of goats is upped just so that the equivalent chums are good enough to appease e'one...i suggest you arrive with likr two trucks of the demanded goats and stua them....lol...ok,bad advise,..however,it would show you are a man of your word.lol.ask for goats & ropes.goats & ropes you get!...hehehe :-)

Archer said...

Boss, it's been 4 months already. I demand an update!

gladys said...

ourkid....what happened to writing?

Shiko-Msa said...

Where is this Kid?

Digzer said...

Kid, stop mascarading in other people's blogs and come home ...


Haki yetu!

SHADRACK said...

A hard bargain.. Can't wait to see the outcome.. keep us posted!! LOL

Mo said...

In 3 days, it will have been an year since you posted.

Just saying. :D

Mo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
HappyMeals said...

hehehe...poor guy!! why do they ask for such ridiculous stuff anyway?

caroline nyaga said...

i just laughed the whole time. sorry my friend good things come at a hefty price