Sunday, May 3, 2009

Moment of Truth

Those who don’t think my blog is brilliant, in your face! Because duly tagged by Darius Stone, KK, Pink M, Mama Maisha and Mboiz it is now my single duty (after the stipulated mandatory bragging) to step into this reality show we all love to hate. Yes, this is my moment of truth.

First the rules. Sod the rules. Do I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing about Ruth, so help me Gawd? Yes. So here go the ten questions posed to me.

Tell us about one annoying habit you have.

I like having the last word in each and every conversation. This morning I went up to get my daily newspaper and met the vendor clad in some horrific vest with a Standard newspaper completing the regalia on his chest.

“Habari ya Leo?” the fellow said as I handed over funds for the purchase. So I tell him “Najuaje Habari ya Leo na bado sijasoma gazeti?” Big mistake.Hapanahe corrects me Gazeti huwa na habari ya jana”. So I pick up my newspaper and tell him, “Basi ukitaka kujua Habari ya Leo, si usome gazeti ya kesho!” and I leave.

Tell us about your house.

I am so into branding that my humble abode has labels on each door inspired by the NBA marketing. My kitchen has the label ‘Where experiments happen’ whilst the small gym has ‘Where Fear Factor happens’. The johns obviously have the slogan ‘Where shit happens’. My bedroom has ‘Where amazing happens’. I am hoping to buy one of those neon signs near the bed so that everytime I come, a flicker tape Amazing Just Happened’ can light up.

Do you love politics?

Are you kidding me? Politics in Kenya sucks and the worst bit about it is that a majority of Kenyans spent all the time talking about politicians. I no longer follow the Prime News since at my regular swallow, everybody has an account and some opinion about politics. The other day, some man vilified by the media after saying that MPs who paid taxes when the law did not obligate them so to do were ‘sufficient philanthropists’ turned into a media darling when he declared himself the Chair of the House Business Comedy.

“The Speaker is a brave and decisive man!?” the unsolicited view came from the man popping a Pilsner. So I ask him “Oh really?” Hoping that his political scientism will shine through, he goes on about how the Speaker had taken the bull by its horns. ‘He acted like Solomon’ he goes on. I wince. So I politely tell him “If the Speaker had balls, he would be called Makende not Marende!”

Frankly, if the Speaker is the new Solomon and Kalonzo is the new Iscariot and Karua the new Mary Magdalene and Saitoti the new Herod, I am the new Doubting Thomas!

So you hate politics, but if you were a politician, what would be your slogan?

Like I said, politics is overrated. I would want to say ‘GOT BRAINS?’ much like the Got Milk campaign but that will scuttle my efforts. If any politician had a slogan with the words CHANGE they are bound to attract voters like a moat to a flame. Obama wowed with his CHANGE YOU CAN BELIEVE IN whilst during the controversial 2007 elections, Raila tried REAL CHANGE and even good old Kibaki came up with CHANGE THAT YOU CAN SEE. I think my slogan would be CHANGE OF MUSICAL CHAIRS. I am sure so many people will still vote for me!

You sound like the whining type! Are you the whining type?

Most of my friends say I am! I complain about everything! For instance, some models have been spending some time at my house. So I was recently complaining to my buddies that these models are so annoying. ‘They so lack self consciousness. The other day I met one on the stairs wearing nothing but slippers and a shower cap. She was dripping wet. She had just come from the shower and had forgotten to carry a towel to the bathroom.’

I am so sick and tired of all this. I mean, why can’t they just wear clothes like normal people? For some reason, I find women more attractive when they are clothed.

These models, what are they doing at your house?

One of them is my current Significant Other. I was at a coffee place one day flirting with the waitress when she just walked in with this prettiest face and loveliest hair. As she passed my table, I waved away the waitress and watched her walk past. She looked around the tables and as she passed by again, I stood and just said ‘Excuse me. Allow me to say this. You have a nice ass!’ She didn’t slap me. Instead she just smiles and says ‘You want to tap it?’ I liked her even more! ‘No.’ I said ‘I want to represent it!’

The guy she was meeting was late so she gave me an ear. ‘Let me hear this’ she said. She was and still is a professional model though she insists she is a model professional. That is how I became her new agent and since then she has bagged a few lucrative endorsements and adverts. But now she has all these model girlfriends coming over to my house. I know, Spice Girls sang that ‘If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends’ but any men who have followed that advice have usually found that they are downgraded from lover status.

On Labour Day, I am watching the Atwoli Show on TV when one of the models comes over and sits on my laps. ‘I hope you don’t mind if I sit on his laps,’ she tells her friend who says she doesn’t mind and gives me one of those killer smiles.

Poor guy. Tell us something embarrassing, please.

Let me see. Oh yeah. I have no idea how to ride a bicycle! I look at all these kids with envy when they ride in the estate and I wish I could go back to my childhood and learn how to do it. I gave up riding bicycles when as youngster I dislocated my shoulder after falling off one of those two wheelers. People say having sex is much like riding a bicycle. And this is true since I also once dislocated my shoulder when trying out a certain position during nookie.

Some people would consider you mad. Have you ever been certified?

I think seeing shrinks is an absolute waster of beer money. But I have seen a shrink and even she has said I am a normal person. I went to see the shrink because I have a fear of pregnant women. Just freaks me out when I see any. So there I was lying on the couch and she made me narrate stories about my childhood. I happened to mention that when I was young, I lived in the staff houses of a hospital where my mum worked at. I would occasionally sneak to the window of the labour ward and watch the screaming women as they gave birth to life. What a lesson on expansion! Back then, doctors wouldn’t scribble CS on pregnant women’s bellies and even if they did it meant Cash Strapped not Caesarean Section. I almost became a Catholic Priest because of this fear. My shrink calls it tacophobia but for a guy who loves butt, that sounds almost unbelievable.

What makes you happy?

I don’t like being happy because when you are sad, the only thing you can become is happy but when you are happy you are likely to become sad later. However, a good football match can make me happy. As far as I am concerned, there are two types of men. Those who play football and those who watch it. I am in the latter category. I am a qualified FIFA referee too though I haven’t had a run around on the football pitch in recent years due to my ageing process. People think I became a referee so that I could watch football from up-close. It isn’t true. When you are on the pitch, football players talk a lot and I think this is wrong. Football was intended to be enjoyed just like sex. In silence.

Which is why football commentators are such a kill joy to me. On Saturday evening I was smashing back some wines, bottle after bottle, whilst enjoying El Classico between Real Madrid and Barcelona when two of the models lying with me on the couch started asking me whether football is better than sex (their friend was catching beauty sleep!) It is funny they didn’t understand the rule about silence. But if anyone walked in on us, they would have thought we were a noisy threesome. Noisy threesome? Funny, that is what you get when you rearrange Eto’o, Henry and Messi.

This is the tenth question. Any thing you left out?

No. As it is I am extremely embarrassed by this post that makes me too stupid! At least I didn’t talk about Ruth. Or the fact that I have never had a Safaricom line. Or the fact that I was once conned into buying a product called Bullshit Repellant. Or that I honestly find most pets incredible, with emphasis on the last six letters of the word.

For more honest crap, join us soon for another episode of Moment of Truth featuring in the hot seat any of the following:-

Loco, Shiko-Msa, GITM, Sketchitect, The Campus Girl, Ngares and Ingwe Fan.


Amelia said...

Hi bert! this is amelia. ronalds friend! My God you are hillarious! i was laughing like an idiot through out this post. you are a great writer. great wit!

Amelia said...

“If the Speaker had balls, he would be called Makende not Marende!”- i love that. tacophobia? and i must say, you must be the envy of many a man to be surrounded by beautiful models and even have them lie on the couch with!

Girl In the Meadow said...

I laughed through and through. I also thought you certified mad...whatever it is you smoke, i want some of it

joyunspeakable said...

How can you be so popular with the opposites? You are an agent? anyway i envy you...i love your guts...

savvy said...

Interesting read..thanks for tagging me, should I be thanking you?

KK said...

Bert.. Is it? I'm with you on that flicker... But how would it know when to flicker on or does amazing happen all the time?

Mama said...

Wooohooo, you finally did it!!

Our Kid, you do realise this post was labelled moment of truth! You must be kidding us about your house. Why would you want some things advertised by the presence of neon lights? I thought all things sexual including coming, should be (enjoyed) in silence?

I can't ride a bicycle either, but its so weird about you coz you are a guy, hehehehe! Dont worry, who needs bikes anyway?

And which (most) pets are edible? What have you been eating my dear? Cats? Dogs? Monkeys? coz those are the pets I know.

Our Kid said...

@ Amelia... Danke as the Germans say. Yes.. tacophobia she called it. Or tocophobia. Wasn't paying attention to her lips. It could even have been egkymosyniphobia.. eh?

@ GITM... me mad? Come on!

@ Unspeakable... I like surprising meself sometimes. Now am forced to watch Americas Next Top Model. Sob sob.

@ Savvy... thank me later. Right now, you just get confessional.

@ KK... I think I have to press a button to turn on the flicker. Good thinking though.

@ Mama... You know, maybe even the loo should have that neon flickering when someone flushes. Shit just happened. And shit will always happen in this life.

About the bike, that crazy shrink had even a word for it. Cyclophobia or something,. I didn't know there are so many phobias!

Most pets are edible and thank you for mentioning at least three delicacies. I was also thinking snakes.

kachwanya said...

interesting post

SG said...

lol @ the speaker debate.

lucky u on the beauties. Hope they offer you as much as you offer them a place to strut naked

savvy said...

By the way... I do not know how to ride a bike too..and I have never told anyone this truth.

Darius Stone said...

Kweli its the moment of truth. Fascinating read I must say.

Speaking of the house labelling and the neon lights - I was having a conversation with some folks some time ago and somehow (blame the booze), the conversation ended up talking about the said actions that could lead to the illumination of your bedside neon light.

I just thought at that particular moment how men pretend they're macho during sex and portray this calm and cool demeanor while the girl loses the plot and makes all the said noises. Yet at point of ejaculation, the man loses the plot and acts like a man possessed. If I was ever to produce a porn movie I say, I'll just do shots of men cumming, just to show how ridiculous their facial expressions are and how not so funny the noises made are.

LOL at the 3 muskateers from the New Camp being a noisy 3 some. I'm a self confessed goonerholic and my dream season will be for Arsenal to meet them Barca punks for a master class in football. Hopefully I get to actually pay for the reserved ticket to the Stadio Olimpico - though I'm scared them Italians will stab me in the buttocks. I don't know what it is with Roma fans (although Juve fans ripped the seats off their stadium and burnt them last time Arsenal bitch slapped them), but why on earth would you take pleasure in stabbing another man's bbuttocks.

But clearly, before my butt risks being stabbed, there's a small matter of a 3-1 win we need to unleash at Ashburton Grove to some visiting manure.

Nana said...

No time for blushing!! I still insist on my last question to you... Why? and Why Not?

Sibbie said...

LMAO! Dude you have cracked me up senseless. Are you for real about the models? Sounds like a scene from one of those movies! And what do you mean you cant ride a bike?!

Interesting read!

Shiko-Msa said...

Good to know you more buddy. The moment of truth, the one we watch with you and Miss Pink is much more brutal. I'm I allowed to ask a few questions ala 110?

Haze said...

Lmao. I thought i was going to pass out laughing. Then, "Football was intended to be enjoyed just like sex.. In silence".WTH hahaha!

Nice...very nice B.

Mo said...

Oh my, seems like your masculinity is being questioned on the bike-riding thing (comments). Now you've got to say something like you wrestle pythons as an exercise warm-up... just to even it out, you see.

mboiz said...

dude,yaani you've got many models! si you do a clean through pass these sides bana!

pink m said...

You cheated, you totally cheated on this one @Our Kid.

Our Kid said...

@ Kachwanya... Interesting? Clearly you haven't read the comments! They are always the interesting ones!

@ SG... I still think the models are a nuisance! So I am not counting any luck.

@ Savvy... at least there is always the exercise bike!

@ Darius Stone... see now? Arsenal lost 3-1 which was the reverse of your prediction. I hope you didn't hang yourself. I know its sad and we shouldn't make gags out of this, but can Ronaldo be charged with abetting the suicide?

No need to do a movie about the men.. I think there is enough material @

@ Nana... you are a goddess! And you know that! Sshhh.

@ Sibbie... Everything is true. The models, the bike. All my buddies bug me about those models asking for their cellphone numbers like am a pimp. Come on. No wonder any parties I throw are crowded.

@ Shiko-Msa... What do you mean. 110? You must be kidding. What happened to that Moment of Truth TV show anyways?

@ Haze... you are a goddess too! You know that 'Silence. Sex In Progress' thingy they put on hotel doors. No wait. That is 'Do Not Disturb'. The play by play commentary during sex is a turn off!

@ Mo.. I enjoy my feminine side. I think that is due to that childhood issue of being in an all girls school.

@ Mboiz... You sound just like my buddies!!! LOL.

@ Pink M... You think so? He he.

Cee said...

Kama kawaida, your posts leave me in stitches.....good to know u more...

gladys said...

All girls skul?
U cant ride a bike?lmao!
Nice one

savvy said...

Well, at least you can't fall off the stationary bike!
And you are right, the comments make for interesting reading.

Digzer said...

Loving it as always!!


ruthleen said...

My first time here ,fact i did not get bored reading this ,umenichekesha everyparagraph is worth reading,especially politics,tell me about it i stopped reading or wanting to know,good one lol

Screamer said...

One has to be thinking backwards to come up with the things you say, I particularly like the newspaper part, ati 'habari ya leo usome kwa gazetti ya kesho'. Haha.

And I like "Where Amazing Happens"
...and the beer part...

Goddamn it, I just like it all!