Lesson. ‘Men’ is really not a generic word. Because men are not the same. Men are different. Yes. Some men may pay the rent, but some just defer. Equally, some men are indifferent.
So every time I hear women (oh, these ones are all the same!) complain that they do not understand men, I chuckle. It is like saying, ‘I don’t understand animals’. You see, all are different.
So Man A is different from Man B and Man D may actually love Man U more than you! Yes, different. Just the way fingerprints are never the same (and if you checked some women’s bodies carefully, boy, will you see a man’s fingerprints all over them)!
Women are the same since they all like to order expensive wine and also like to whine. And they all sing ‘You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman’ when they are buying sanitary pads.
Some men have beards whilst some have faces as smooth as a new born baby’s behind. Some men love women’s behinds whilst others say they think the breasts are the reason they fall in love.
When we speak of love, some men are clueless. Some men are hopeless romantics whilst others are well… hopeless. If you told some men that you love them, we may need a search party and a Commission of Inquiry to establish their whereabouts moments after those words escape from your lips.
Some men use their lips to kiss. Others use them to lie.
Some men know that when you lie with a woman, you need staying power. Some merit a mention in the lyrics of the Alanis Morissete hit ‘Ironic’ as they would be watching soccer and claim they love extra-time when they suffer from pre-mature ejaculation.
Some men acknowledge that the last resurrection was Christ's whilst others are not in denial and pop Viagra once in a blue moon.
If you look closely, you will realize that some man came up with H20 Bling couture water. Yes. Whilst in rural and urban Kenya, some men go down on all fours to taste dirty waters, others do it differently and get the expensive kind. And advertisers know that some men are suckers and won't know the relation between water and nookie hence the sex-themed adverts targeting such men.
Some men dye their hair whilst others who appreciate that dying is the end of a normal process embrace their aging and don’t mind having wrinkles that look like the contours of the Rift Valley as seen from a Fly 540 that is experiencing turbulence.
Some men are knights in shining armour whilst some will give you a ngeta in the night even if you were in distress.
Some men are the biggest joke in the country. In a country that includes Dr. Alfred Mutua that says a lot about such men. Every woman has once encountered such jokes when they are begging to be taken back after reaching ‘Amazing Grace’ levels. By which I mean, when they are saying ‘Was blind but now I see!’ If only women wouldn’t splash hot water in their eyes after they admit that. But you see, women are all the same!
I disagree with the Guinness slogan that there is a drop of greatness in every man. They could have really strung me along with ‘there is a hole of sweetness in every woman!’
Or a whole lot of sweetness.
‘Some men are stupid whilst some are bachelors’, you will hear some men guffaw. These are the same clique of men who have been circulating those stickers that your innocent eyes see in matatus proclaiming ‘I don’t kiss and tell… I fcuk and brag’.
Some men are Prince Charming personified and will even bake a cake with not a single string attached. To them, breakfast in bed really means food on a tray. Taste Bud Men, you could call them. On the other hand, some men are just bad men. Where else did ‘breakfast of champions’ come from? How else could non church-going men really love Morning Glory?
Some men are called Sam whilst others are quite something. Still, others are the sum of all your fears. Some are shepherds and some are cowards.
Some men circumvent the truth. Some are uncircumcised whilst others just decide to buy actual wallets. Some men become Popes whilst others can only dream of wearing the funny hat on a different head. Heck, some men even think the saying 'Two heads are better than one' is about their bodies.
We should just call a spade a spade and not a Soil Redistribution Implement. Next time you see a person start a speech by saying ‘Ladies and Gentlemen’, remind him that not all men are gentle. Next time someone uses the word ‘men-folk’, please frown and say it out loud ‘I beg your pardon?’
Next time you meet a man who insists that you sing the lyrics of ‘Cater To You’, just take it like Every Woman. And don’t forget that some men listen to Abba whilst others are not at all sado-masochists proving once again that men are brewed differently.
There are men and there are manly men. End of lesson.