Well, not quite. In the usual turning of tables, we are watching Big Brother. That one time in the year when we are allowed to be peeping Tom’s (and Tomasina’s) and watch twelve housemates from across the continent do everything housemates do.
The measure of fame the housemates get from being in the House is that only a few months ago, if you Googled some of the Housemates, the answer you received was: Who???
The opening credits kick off with a Kabelo look-alike performing the opening act. Wait.. it is actually Kabelo with what he terms as his crew!
Now, when you thought you had seen enough fake fire works in Beijing, good old Big Brother unleashes some even more obvious ones. The bets are also on whether the twelve housemates will get into the house arranged in the order of the medals they won at the Olympics.
Before the grand entry, there are some flashbacks to the Housemates in Season 2. Justice is still debating with himself on what his future should be (looking at him, you see that it is a pity debating isn’t an Olympic sport); Maxwell is a car-hawker; Lerato is having a heck of a ride (presumably the ride is one she bought from The Maxwell Garage); Ofunneka is an envoy and has started a Non-Governmental Organization for refurbishing kitchens in Africa; Meryl has acted in a movie (no doubt rated R for Raunchy); Jeff, just like he turned the whole time in the House into an ad placement for his book Religion is Fiction still takes this slot to market his book; Bertha has been travelling and one thing she has learnt is how to simply kiss her hand and wave at the camera; Kwaku is rapping about nothing and is also delusional, mistaking some garbage artifacts for jewellery; Tatiana has a show ‘created special for me’; Maureen’s phone is engaged (you heard that right. I said Maureen, NOT, Maureen’s phone); Code is eradicating malaria; and Richard is still loving his wife (and to show how he keeps loving her, the camera on cue cuts to him with some honeys…)
Some more music but we have caught the limos bringing in the new actors and actresses.
First in is clean shaven Tawana who causes a stir in her video clip when she says she hates her neighbours. Presumably, her Bible is not the King James Version that says we have to love them neighbours. Or, presumably too, she was talking about her ‘Neighbours’ soap opera DVD. She is wearing a rock bigger than the one featured in Titanic and also adds the clincher: I hate women.
Who will be the first to drop the F word? Last time, it was Tatiana, and the winner this time… (I am not talking about the word Fanta) is Sheila from Kenya. Once in the house, she wastes no time taking bets on who will be the first ‘to go to shags’
Forget the Emancipation of Mimi. She is back into jail. She has the moves but within hours, she is the first to give us the coloured cough. Another bet gone.
Lucille is the one who comes in from Namibia. She looks very reserved and she is a Virgin. It is the first time the word ‘Virgin’ has been used in relation to a housemate without the word ‘Atlantic’ succeeding it. Imagine the headlines if she was called Mary!
Having won it last time, Tanzania was expected to send Richard’s wife as its representative but they bring in loud Latoya this time. And the girl can shriek! Her entrance is all one long ejaculation of sounds that scream: I am there! I am there!
The Ugandan Morris loves to be behind the camera and now, he is going to be in front of one for ninety days, if he can last that long.
Ricco from Angola says: I love women. For effect, he would have gone the Tawana way and said he hates men. (Editors note: Actually, he said he loves girls, he didn’t say women, and girls also means ‘boobs’ in some slang)
Thank you Editor.
Malawi’s presenter still went on about that country being the ‘Warm Heart of Africa’ just like they did during Idols… but they decide to send Hazel, ever cold, except when she does that jig that makes our ribs crack. Hazel proceeds to keep quiet during her time that Big Brother has to employ the use of a radar to trace her.
Zambia has a man called Taekwondo which as you all know means “I can pulverize you with the use of my hands”. (Editors note: Ahem, actually his name is Takondwa).
Hey, go write your own blog, you silly Editor!
So Matakondwa had this bling bling, just like his Idols counter part TK. The new TK is asked to spit a rhyme and he does so with relish: Am going to the house, like a lil’ poor church mouse; but when I come out, I’ll have the loot; I said I love to gamble; but that was just a rumble, with 100Ks, I will reproduce 100 TKs!
Naija throws itself in the ring with Uti. Finally women viewers will have a valid excuse to diss their own men at their own game. When a man says ‘I love you,’ the woman can reply ‘I love you-ti.’ Sorry. Uti hates dishonest people. Who does?
of from South Africa is Thami. He called himself the ‘Homeboy’ which is potential infringement of the Trade Mark, the Homeboyz!
Zimbabwe has its usual charm with the new hero being put forth from the land of Uncle Bob being called Munya. Which as you might not guess, is not the Meru member of Parilemnt, but a short form of Munyaradzi. He smiles like brownie points and immunity are dished for flashing smiles and closes the entries to this Seasons House Party.
Let the games begin!